Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
