Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
