It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
