Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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