You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
