Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
