I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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