Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
