either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
