We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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