I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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