What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
