Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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