my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
