Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
DRUNK COOKIES
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