My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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