We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
