i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So vagazzling was a success
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
