remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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