Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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