I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
