maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
