I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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