Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
