why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
