I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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