also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
