every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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