And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
