dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
