look no pants
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
