No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
