and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
