Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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