Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
