Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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