worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
