theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
