Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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