I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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