Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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