My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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