I cannot find my penis.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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