I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
