if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
