btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
