If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
