Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
