you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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