I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
