put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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