how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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