I wish my penis had an off switch
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
