i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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