Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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