the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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