You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
