He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
