Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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